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Hello world….

It’s been a rough several months for me. My mental health has not been good and it’s a tell-tell sign that some internal work is needed. Life has a way of taking us in and making us feel like we are right where we should be. I mean you are working and making a living, and seemingly doing the “things” that people in your circle do. You go out to dinner, plan vacations, have family parties, and celebrate the holidays as they come. It doesn’t seem like anything is out of the ordinary until you stop recognizing yourself. It is only at this juncture that you take notice that something unknown is trying to overcome you. This unknown slowly starts to make residence in your mind, body, and soul and soon you come to know it as anxiety and depression. It’s hard to pinpoint when the crack in the door allowed these intruders to come in, and honestly at this point it doesn’t matter that they made a home in you, it matters that they have taken residence for the long run, and well this is not sustainable. It’s hard, it sucks, and its life changing.

I’m in that point in time where anxiety and depression have taken root in a way I never expected. A seemingly healthy woman fighting to get a good night’s sleep sounds pathetic until you realize how vital sleep is to the human body. I have come to realize that lack of sleep can exacerbate anxiety to the point that it becomes chronic and debilitating. This is where I have found myself every day for the past four months in state of exhaustion and confusion. I pray, exercise, and do the things I have read about to calm the mind and relax the body, all to no avail. Yet, I am reminded that this is a season and that this too shall pass. The thing to consider when you are in the middle of the trial, fire, pit, or call it what you will, is how do you sustain yourself? Well, I have come to find out that I can’t sustain myself on my own effort and that it is only by God’s strength that I can face another day waiting for healing to come. It is in this hope, delayed as it may seem, that I am able to speak freely about my current situation. There is so much power in words, spoken or written, and this is a perfect time to take up space and share my journey as it evolves.

Today, I learned that we are prewired to look at the negative because this is part of our survival mechanism. However, we can train our brain to focus on the positive things and remind ourselves that they don’t hurt us, and that they are actually good for us because its where the practice of gratitude comes in. So, let’s practice gratitude. Today, I am grateful for the stamina to take out my tablet and write. So what are you grateful for?

Words are my love language and what better way to show love than to open up and share about this tough season because I know on the other side is a richer life.

And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him. Romans 8:28

Resurrection Sunday

Happy Easter! What a glorious day, but also a glorious time to Easter. The time leading up to Easter, the Lenten season prepared me to receive Christ like never before. You see, for the last 40 days I fasted from social media and found myself in a period of discovery and wonder. When did we stop wondering? When did we stop discovering ourselves, our surrounding, each other?

Yes, there is beauty right in front of us that we sometimes fail to see because we are consumed with all the information in our world, the lives of the people we know, and perhaps being sold on the idea that our day to day lives are mundane and insignificant. We have learned to wonder and discover on things beyond our very selves and our immediate surroundings. This I discovered steals my joy and the gift of the very present moment that soon seizes to exist.

For 40 days I woke up to the chirping of the birds, to the scripture taped on the wall on my side of the bed “Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge” -Psalm 16:1., to my own thoughts, hopes, and God’s voice speaking subtle, can-do words to my heart. I enjoyed the drive in to work with my coffee and my mind on the road and the possibility for the day. I got to work with an uncluttered mind, ready to show up as the day presented itself. There were no preconceived thoughts or images, just what was in front of me. It was beautiful.

Those yearnings to do more, go more places, change this or that, dissipated. I was running my own race, not anyone else’s. What a novel idea! Most of us yearn for things beyond what we have and that can be a good thing, but when it blurs the present moment with it’s gifts, opportunities, blessings, and challenges, we miss the only thing we truly have and that is the present moment, the day at hand. This day won’t repeat itself. It’s here today, gone tomorrow. Sounds cliche, but it’s packed with truth.

I want to move to the South some day, have a bigger house, live in a quiet small country town, and be surrounded by nature. This is the goal of the Bond family and one we feel God calling us to at some point. But, my 40 day journey helped me uncover that I have nature at my footsteps. I can marvel at the trees lining the streets, my neighbors gardens, the park up the street, the multitude of hiking trails, and within a few hours drive, the mountains, ocean, and desert. Yearning for something that I see on social media or televisions is a joy zapper because it frames all things to that image or idea. Yet what is right in front of me has many of those elements and best of all, it’s tangible right in the present moment.

In a world filled with information at our fingertips, I chose to silence it for 40 days as a posture of respect, honor, and preparation for Resurrection Day. I practiced the sabbath, read my bible, journaled, went for walks, talked to my family, shared meals together, and just invited God into a space he is often secondary. A had unlimited margin for God and this brought peace and healing to a soul that needed to stop wondering on the outside and spend time at home with Christ. Home is where I calibrated the thoughts and habits that for so long clouded my mind. I can’t tell you how many times my mind and body reached for the phone to check IG or Facebook when I was bored or with nothing to do. It was crazy, yet fascinating.

It’s Resurrection Sunday. I can get back on social media, get sucked back into peoples lives or the next product to buy, or I can sit back a moment longer and just breathe, posture myself in continual gratitude, and hope that new habits were formed, new connections were made, and the present moment became enough for this season of life. I am inspired and I hope to inspire someone else to see the beauty that embellishes our life right at this moment.

Take a deep breath, look around, and be thankful that the colors, smells, and sounds of this moment is just what you need. All is good!

Ready or Not…..

This is the title of our current series at church. It’s so timely as we enter a time of fasting and prayer leading up to Easter. For me, Lent has always been a special time of year. My granny Lila honored this time of year. She brought our family together in community and over good food. I still remember everyone crowded in her small home, but with so much joy. Every corner of her home was unoccupied by someone talking, laughing or eating. It was truly a home filled with love, community, and Jesus.

I’m reading a book called “Practicing the Way” by John Mark Comer and it speaks to all these spiritual practices that I saw in my granny’s home for so many years. I didn’t think much of them then, but today I know that it was part of my granny’s spiritual formation. She practiced what Jesus practiced in his ministry. Jesus spent time with his disciples, shared meals with people, even tax collectors, stepped aside to pray, and made his ministry about helping and bringing people together.

Did you commit to a spiritual practice this Lent? Are you fasting from something that perhaps like me has taken you away from community and spiritual formation? I am fasting from social media. I’m not on it all the time, but I reckon enough to notice that it isolates me and others because we feel that connecting through a post is enough to build meaningful relationships, but this is a lie the enemy wants us to believe so that we achieve isolation, his point of entry.

My hope is that as I learn to practice the ways of Jesus, I can begin to open my heart and home to build community with others in a society that prefers to see us busy and achieving. There are several spiritual practices that help us live like Jesus, but it all starts by eliminating something in our life to make room for new spiritual practices. For anyone on this 40 day spiritual journey to Easter, may you be encouraged to persevere in your efforts to get closer to Christ.

If you feel called, please share if you are fasting or engaging in a spiritual practice to get closer to Jesus. I’d love to hear how you are seeking a more rich and fulfilling life. I hope my granny inspires your journey!

Progress is not linear, it’s movement like a dance…..

Today has been a challenging day because my anxiety is heightened. I woke up slightly anxious and as the day progressed and with certain interactions it increased significantly. This made me scared, but more than anything sad that I’m taking steps back, which let’s face it no one wants to do. I got flashbacks of how I have felt the last several months and like a protective mechanism, my anxiety elevated to signal that there was potential danger in the horizon, but there wasn’t any danger.

One thing I am trying to embrace is that anxiety is a natural response to potential danger, so some anxiety is healthy; however, heightened anxiety with no potential threat is not good. It has taken me several hours to work through the anxiety and in doing so I remembered what I learned this morning “Progress is movement (not linear) like a dance where you dance taking a few steps forward, sideways, and at times back.” Now, isn’t this the truth. This has been my journey thus far, but I needed someone to tell me it was okay and that this is what healing looks like. We often times want healing to come instantly or when it comes to stay for the long haul. It’s our human nature to want total relief from any pain or discomfort, but the fact is, we will encounter it in our lifetime. It’s part of the human experience.

So, as I navigate this dance 🙂 I reach out to others for support because we are not meant to do life alone. I have learned to reach out to people and not second guess myself for fear that I am bothering them. You’ll be surprised with how open people can be to sharing their time and love. It’s a humbling experience that has taught me to ask for help and to reciprocate it. Today, I reached out to my mom, sis, and friend for support. While listening to my friend provide advice and support the Lord led me to pray for both of us. This was touching because I was so vulnerable on the call and yet in that vulnerable state God nudged me to pray for us.

The bible says, “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” – Matthew 18:20. Leave it to Jesus to pull me back on my feelings and help me lift my cares to him in prayer. It’s just like Jesus to give us strength when we need it.

A spiritual experience versus an intellectual experience….

I joined Craig for a work function to honor his CEO who passed away recently. They are holding a tribute ceremony in his honor today and from all Craig has shared about him, he was a Godly man who placed people first. I am thankful for this company that provides for my household and has blessed Craig with a platform to not only work professionally but to also spread the Gospel. I mean how many employers allow you to do this?!

What I didn’t realize is that coming here meant that I couldn’t attend my morning class which has been very helpful. I contemplated driving from Newport Beach (in rush hour traffic) to my appointment and then making my way back in time for the tribute ceremony because let’s face it, that is the responsible thing to do. I am thankful that the therapist provided an opportunity to learn a valuable lesson. He told me, “Jenny, don’t come tomorrow. Stop being an overachiever.” Ouch!! This stung, but also enlightened me. This is a truth I needed to hear. Yes, being an overachiever has served me well thus far, but it’s no longer serving me.

Intellectually, I wanted to make the drive to gather more tools for my toolbox, but spiritually I needed the experience of not going to show me that my efforts are always met by God, so I don’t have to do all things by overextending and checking every box. Nothing happened other than this spiritual experience of easing into the day, resting, reading, and now writing fed more into my spirit that being the exemplary patient and not missing my appointment.

Don’t get me wrong, both experience bear fruit (positive results), but we have to be open to switching gears when necessary. In my case, I needed to go against the grain, my own grain in order to see that there are other options, and in this case, joining my husband on an overnight trip was the right option and the spiritual experience I needed more than missing the intellectual experience of making the two-hour drive to my appointment. Life is full of these options, and we have to be open to exploring them as we continue to grow and evolve.

I once heard the phrase “May our longing be greater than our reaching.” I love this because longing to be well, to get closer to God, to find peace, and to develop a healthy rhythm of life should be our greatest longing and not so much the “reaching” or the method by which we get there. Life, God, and our openness will lead us to the right help, people, encouragement, and experiences that will get us there.

I often say, “I just want you God”, and this opens the door to his direction and favor. Like everything in life, it takes effort and practice, but then again anything worthwhile in life does.

It would be dismissive of me if I didn’t close by sharing that today is my nino Javier Martinez 25th anniversary since he made his way to heaven. He was so talented, genuine, kind, and so handsome 🙂 Please raise a prayer to heaven for my nino and my cousin who misses him dearly. I find solace in knowing that my nino and jefe are together this day. If you have lost someone dear to you, you know these anniversaries are hard, but not impossible. It’s the love we shared with the person that shines through on days like today.

Permission….

The word permission came up today several times and it got me thinking of how freeing it is to acknowledge that we have authority to give ourselves permission to live. If we think about it, no one is responsible for our joy, but us. I say joy because it can be present in all circumstances because God is at the center of it, whereas happiness is circumstantial and almost always momentary.

As I thought of permission, I thought that there is no moment like the present moment to act on it. Giving myself permission to be myself leads to a level of authenticity that gives the world just who I was created to be. Imagine giving those around you just the person God created you to be?! I think this is so powerful and just what we all need.

As a woman, I fall into the trap of overextending myself to others and it has left me depleted and “burned out”. It’s noble and of good character, but let’s face it, we can’t show up for others if we don’t show up for ourselves first. Self-care is self-love and it’s vital to our wellbeing. The key is doing things that replenish our souls and feed our spirits.

So, when we feel depleted and burned out, let’s ask ourselves if we have lost sight of giving ourselves “permission” to rest, laugh, explore, and live. I’m starting to recognize that there is nothing more noble or of good character than loving the person God created us to be. Just like a loving father, God wants us to love, and more importantly, care for the person he created in us, that little girl or boy created in his image.

Season of “Shut up”

I listened to a sermon on television last week about there being seasons in our lives where we are called to “shhhhh”. This seemed like a new concept for me, so I listened intently and what I discovered is that by keeping the door closed (our mouths shut) we don’t let our opinions and negative self-talk help the enemy’s attack. Our words have power, and they can either elevate us or fortify the lies of the enemy about being unworthy.

This led me to ask if God is placing me in a season of “shhhhh” because let’s face it, this has been a difficult season for me. By keeping quiet, I am getting serious about my mental health in ways that keep the enemy at bay. I learned that an anxious and depressed mind is a negative mind, so what better way to keep those negative thoughts at bay than to simply shut up. Yes, we can be our own worst enemy and let’s face it, we spend way too much time with ourselves to let these thoughts become dominant.

This morning I woke up anxious. There was no particular reason, well at least I didn’t think so, but truth be told, I am a work in progress, and I take a few steps forward and then one or two steps back. This is the reality of progress and healing. It’s not always a gainful walk. We may encounter setbacks, but this is where we need to learn to close the door. The door to negative self-talk, doubt, fear, loss, unworthiness, and the list goes on. All these negative emotions are not from God, so if we shut the door, then we are shutting the enemy.

What God tells us is that we have the power to defend ourselves. He lives inside of us and that’s why community is so important. We need the subtle and sometimes obvious reminders from others to not agree with the enemy. His only goal is to steal, kill, and destroy (John 10:10) and we don’t want to aid in his efforts. This same scripture goes on to say that God has come so that we may have life and have it to the full. Praise God that there are two paths, and one definitive path that leads to everlasting life.

Although I didn’t wake up full of joy and expectancy, I was able to spend some quiet time with God this morning and share my afflictions. In the midst of doing so, I thanked him for waking me up, for the prospect of healing through the help and tools I am receiving, and for this time to place my thoughts in writing, which centers me and gifts me the beauty of the present moment.

Since making time for this blog, I have become more in tune with so many people that find themselves on a similar journey. People in my family, friends, and people I come in contact with. Just this morning I saw a 10-year-old boy crying as he made his way to the counseling center with his mom. My heart went out to him for being so young and afflicted. In the midst of crossing paths with him, I said a prayer for him and his mom. I prayed that God who knows this young boy’s pain is walking with him, sending the right people and help. The one good thing about being down is that there is only one way to move and that is up.

Where we find Jesus….

You just never know when and where Jesus beckons us to meet him. This morning we drove by a family holding a car wash for their loved one. We picked up coffee and oatmeal for a quiet morning breakfast at home and as we drove by them a second time the Lord beckoned us to turn around and make a donation. We met the sister of the man who passed away from a motorcycle accident. As we made the donation, she couldn’t tell us enough about her brother. In the midst of the shock and pain in her voice, we heard a woman who wanted to validate her brother’s life by sharing details of the man she loved because he mattered.

It’s in these moments that we see the human spirit on display the way Jesus intended for us to live with love and compassion for one another. We know that we are not meant to do life alone, but how many of us really take this to heart and make time to build community. It takes our most precious commodity to love others and build meaningful relationships, and that precious commodity is our time.

Just like we made “time” and turned around to make the donation and hear the story of this man and his family, it was us that received the greatest blessing because we got to be the hands and feet of Jesus. Life is so precious and fragile and it’s in these encounters with Jesus that we receive those sweet reminders to savor every moment, live with authenticity, and show up for people when the Lord beckons us. To do this, we have to listen to the spirit that lives in us when he nudges us to do something.

I pray this family obtains the resources they need to lay their loved one to rest and that the peace of God that surpasses all understanding surrounds them. Life is so precious and none of us are immune from the loss of a loved one. If we have lived long enough, we have experienced it ourselves. My jefe always told me to show up for others in their time of need because inevitably someone will show up for me in my time of need. He would say “Hoy por ti, y manana por mi.” Wise words that I saw on display when my own daddy passed away, and today when we met this family in their loss.

Let’s be thankful for the “normal” Sunday mornings, and always be mindful and prayerful for those who today wish it was a “normal” Sunday morning.

Practicing gratitude…..

Today, I did a meditation video on gratitude, and I found it so insightful because it got me to focus on my magnificent body. I mean how often do we stop and think about this marvelous creation?! I for one have taken it for granted because I have lived in this body my entire life and it’s done what it’s supposed to do without skipping a beat. I realize how fortunate I have been to have my body function optimally all these years, so when something is slightly off, I question its functionality.

Our bodies run on a certain cadence and when things shift a little, it may stop us in our tracks, force us to pivot, or better yet, allow the process to evolve us into better beings. The guided meditation took me through every part of my body with a mindfulness on how each part connects to the greater self. When I got to my brain, I questioned its functionality in its current state, but was quickly reminded that it’s my brain that got me dressed this morning and got me to this moment of the day. It’s all on how I/we see things. Yes, shifting my focus to the positive made all the difference.

Gratitude has the ability to train our brain to think more positive. It also builds our confidence because we focus on what is good in ourselves, others, and the world around us. It takes less energy to focus on the good than it does to focus on the negative. I saw it today! I was around some wonderful people this morning that showed me the value of changing my perspective one decision at a time. Once we make a commitment to do so, we can springboard forward even if there are a few setbacks, but God will meet us where we are, and our efforts will be met with favor.

In the devotional “Jesus Calling” we are reminded to not be afraid to be different from other people. Taking time to be still and reflect on our savior, Jesus, and on our own lives connects us to this gratitude the bible talks about – to give thanks in all circumstances.

There is always a time for everything…

It’s been about five months since I attempted to write my first blog post. It was November and I didn’t want to end the year without publishing at least one post, and well let’s just say that didn’t go so well. My post was not saved, and I lost all my words. I mean I went on a fierce treasure hunt to find them and came back empty handed. I remember crying the rest of that night filled with so much discouragement and not until today have I had the interest of trying it again. The Bible says “For everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven” (Ecclesiastes 3:1) so I’m giving it another try with nothing more than this baby step that in time will lead to big things.